Bauerisms

Jack Bauerisms

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

If everyone on “24″ followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12″.

Nobody says ‘hit me’ when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauer’s calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

It’s no use crying over spilt milk … unless that was Jack Bauer’s milk. Oh, you are so screwed.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef … then it’s beef.

Let’s get one thing straight - the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with violence.

Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

If you’re holding a gun to Jack Bauer’s head, don’t count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “

Jack Bauer removed the “Escape” button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something, then you better do it.

Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards “The Man of Year*”, there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, ” *besides Jack Bauer.”

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the heck have you done with your life?

Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex; because they are doing the same thing.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn’t go off, security gives him a gun.

Jack Bauer doesn’t play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.

Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.

What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It’s basically the right way, but faster with more deaths.

In poker, Jack Bauer doesn’t need to bluff. He looks at opponent, tells them to fold, and they do so. Always.

Jim Gaffigan and laziness

ricky gervais on the bible

Jesus in the Movies part 3

Not For Sale: Shining Light into the Sexual Darkness-Cambodia and Thailand part 3: The Rescue Efforts part 1

Over the past couple weeks we have looked at Srey Neang and how the sex-trade can engulf a life and leave one feeling hopeless for any sort of escape or social acceptance. Now I want to look at those who are doing something about it. The first person is a woman named Annie Dieselberg:

Her project is called NightLight Design. The thought behind that name is that a nighlight is what guides you in the darkness where many of these women find themselves. “Annie had taught herself how to make jewelry. So she spontaneously offered the bar girl a job to work alongside her producing jewelry for commercial sale. The young woman accepted and became employee #1 in NightLight Design…Annie did not even have an office or work studio for her company at that moment. So she told the bar girl to meet her at a McDonalds restaurant in central Bangkok. So with the waft of burgers and fries deep in their nostrils, Annie delivered to the young woman her first training session in jewelry production.”p26

“…it is a for-profit business that trains women in how to make and sell jewelry. The products are made in NightLight’s humble facotry in central Bangkok and sold primarily through religious networks in Thailand and the United States. The jewelry is high quality, and the design ranges from classic to trendy…”

This businesses are inspired by the fact that “programs that encourage girls to escape the sex trade but leave them poor and jobless do not yield long-term success stories. The girls remain vulnerable to being trafficked one again.”p 35 As seen in previous posts when Srey Neang escaped she had no other way to make money to survive.

Annie makes a comment on the culture women find themselves in, “Society won’t pay a poor woman a decent wage, but men will shell out big bucks just so they can abuse her body for a few minutes.” NightLight pays twice what the goverment would call minimum wage to these women who could not get work anywhere.

Besides providing a source of income, NightLight desires to equip these women for a better life by providing “workshops on health care, HIV/AIDS prevention, personal financial management, spiritual formation, and how to speak English.”

Why doesn’t Annie just tell the police when she finds a problem? Because they won’t do anything. She recounts a story when she saw a woman being abused across the street. She went to an officer to ask him to help and his response was simply, “It’s just his girl.” This woman is just screaming in desperation and the car squeals off and all the officer can say is that “it’s just his girl.” Gary Haugen in this book The Good News About Injustice tackles the idea of police abuse so I won’t go into that now. Nevertheless, Annie realizes that she needs to provide help through a source other than the police at this point in her life.

So in the face of injustice Annie has created a company that employs fifty women and which provides for them financially and holistically. Pray for her and if you want to help you can purchase your jewelry from NightLight Designs.

www.nightlightbangkok.com

In honor of Earth Day…

I’ve just started this book called Serve God Save the Planet. It had great recommendations from Brian McLaren and Shane Claiborne if that means anything to you (it did to me).

Resurrection Luncheon

“Resurrect”
verb
restore (a dead person) to life

On Saturday I went to a fund raiser in association with the gospel rescue mission. This is a place where women who have been domestically abused or were dependent on drugs go to get their life back in order. While there I heard several of the stories of people who had lost everything but somehow found God in the process. It was powerful to see what the gospel looks like in real life. It struck a chord within me when I heard a women saying that she was able to “file taxes this year!” Something that we generally dread having to do brought this woman a simple joy because she was beginning to get her life back in order.

Jesus is risen and so am I, time for turbotax!

Something that disturbed me but was not a surprise was the lack of men at the luncheon. Out of the 50 people there, I think that there were about 5 guys. It makes sense to me (not that it is ok), we live in a culture in which men turn women into a product to be consumed (if you don’t agree watch a beer commercial) so I guess it is to be expected that when they are at their lowest (recovering prostitutes/domestic abuse) they are virtually ignored by men who have already used them.

It’s their goal to raise 30,000 dollars (I think) to hire a women to help run the shelter at night so that they can invite more and more women into the program. Church’s and people will spend that kind of money on all kinds of useless things that will make almost no difference in a broken and shattered world but have a hard time giving to these things. I wonder why. In the scriptures God makes a point over and over to say that the way we treat the orphan, the widow and the stranger is the measure of our love for God, for others and the measure for “true and faultless religion.”

So if you want to donate some time or money let me know and I’ll put you in contact with someone who can help you make a difference.

Jesus in the Movies part 2

I’m Back…from Disneyland

Disneyland…enough said. All nine of us went (mom, dad, brothers, nephews). Here’s some photo’s from the phone. I will post more in the coming days but today’s photo’s will be themed around the idea of driving. I have come to realize that I think I really need a digital camera cause my phone didn’t provide too many good pics.

…the effect of my mom’s driving on my dad…

…I shouted to my dad behind me, “if you ain’t first, your last.”…

…I hope the night before was worth it for my brother…

…p.s…if you notice, the bag is smiling…

Slang

vegi-curious
One who is considering the vegetarian lifestyle, but has yet to make a committment to it.

e.g. No sausage on my half of the pizza; I’m vegi-curious.

Source: The Urban Dictionary