Dwight Schrute: Jim told me you can buy gaydar online.
Michael Scott: That’s ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute: Probably. He didn’t tell the truth a lot.
Michael Scott: Let’s call him and get the website.
Dwight Schrute: Definitely.
Michael Scott: I need to know who else is gay. I don’t want to offend anyone else.
Dwight Schrute: You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive.
Michael Scott: Yeah. I’m sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.
No Office tonight. Here are some Dwight quotes to get you through to next week (it is a mini-marathon of repeats).
Season 1
Pilot:
Dwight Shrute: Dammit, he put my stapler in Jell-O again!
Diversity Day:
Mr. Brown: At Diversity Today, we believe it’s very easy to be a hero. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect, and open-mindedness.
Dwight Schrute: Ah, excuse me? I’m sorry, but that’s not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Great, well, what is a hero to you?
Dwight Schrute: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Uh, you’re thinking of a superhero.
Dwight Schrute: We all have a hero in our heart.
Pam: [during a role-playing exercise] Okay, if I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe..not be a very good driver.
Dwight Schrute: [role playing as an Asian] Aw, man! I’m a woman?
Health Care:
Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me. I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead.
Dwight Schrute: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won’t receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. Count Choculitis….Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.
Dwight Schrute: OK, first let’s go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael Scott: Uh, none. You’re picking a healthcare plan.
Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that’s a felony.
Jim Halpert: OK, Whoa, alright ’cause that’s a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they’re fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, Leprosy, Flesh Eating Bacteria, Hot Dog Fingers, Government Created Killer Nano Robot Infection.
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